End of the week, end of hope

onceiwashislittled — Sun, 05 Jul 2009 23:18:07 +0000

I secretly have been waiting to hear from him. I knew it was over, but deep inside I still hoped that he would come to his senses and call me or email me…I was wrong. He did not. Not a word. All week at work I tried to avoid seeing him and nothing came up anyway. So, one week over. How many more to go?

After our breakup I have been trying to stay as busy as possible. I just got back from a very last-moment kind of trip to a near by state. It was nice to get away from here, even if for a short while. It’s almost as if I am watching myself to continue living my life, doing things, eating, sleeping, laughing…But it’s not me. I am somewhere else, in this deep dark place sitting there and licking my wounded heart…I am strong and I will survive. I know that. It is not what I was afraid of all this time. I was, still am, afraid of stop loving him. Like in that song by Feist Inside & Out “what are we gonna do if we lose that fire?”.

Day 1

onceiwashislittled — Wed, 01 Jul 2009 20:48:56 +0000

So, my hope is gone! The love of my life broke up with me last night. I gave him the letter and crossed my fingers. He read it and wrote me his last reply yesterday. My heart sank and stopped beating…”No! No! No!” I cried, but my lips were silent. Tears poured from my eyes and I had to ran to the bathroom so no one would see that I was crying. I swallowed my dinner and rushed out to see him. I wanted to hear it in person. So is it really over? After two years? After everything we shared?

He was cold as a stone. He was strong, just the way I asked him so many times to be. I tried to reason with him, I tried to make him feel sorry for me, I begged and I cried. But nothing could change his mind. He finally made a decision. I prayed for the last two years for his love. I prayed he would pick me! No, no one listened to my prayers. Not God, not him.

He stood there and cried and kept looking away. I threw myself before him and begged to keep my love. God! I was so pathetic! How can I bring myself so low?

Where is my anger when I need it? Where is my hate?! Come out, hate! I need you like never before! I want to hate him.

He said he loves me, he said he will always love me, but he chooses her…

I could not stay home last night, I went over to my girlfriend and cried my eyes out. I had some cognac, which made me feel a little better. I could have drank entire bottle, but I needed to drive home. I came home, got into warm bed next to my husband and fell asleep…

By five AM I was wide awake with the same stupid thoughts about him racing in my head. God! How will I ever survive this pain?!!!!

If There is a God – He Must be Sadistic One

onceiwashislittled — Wed, 01 Jul 2009 20:24:06 +0000

So it is over once again. For those who don’t know me or know nothing about this crazy relationship – this is probably 50th break up in two years. I know, you lose all credibility after what, like a third time? Yeah. Well, trust me, every time we broke up it felt real. I can’t believe it, but I really think this is it. This time I am going to stay strong. I hate this phrase. Really. Who came up with it? When your heart is broken there is no way you can stay strong! No way! So isn’t it so moronic to suggest to someone whose heart is broken to stay strong? At the same time, what else is there to say? If I will not keep telling myself these foolish primitive things, such as “stay strong”, “everything will be ok”, “the pain will go away”, “you will love again”…I..I will die.

Dying would be so easy right now. I feel my world has been reduced to this single feeling of sadness and despair. This pain has penetrated the deepest pats of my body and soul. This pain keeps my brain running at hundreds miles per hour. My thoughts are racing between two the most difficult and inevitable questions: do I continue this nightmare or do I stop it?

It all started three years ago when I randomly “got lucky” to get this job. I was an undergraduate student and was looking for an internship. This company hired me. At the time I could not have asked for more. I was happy to do the work and I liked the people. God, I am thinking back to those days! Ignorance is bliss! I remember meeting him for the first time. Just another guy among a group of my new co-workers. It was at the company party. He was there with his girlfriend. I actually remember meeting her better than meeting him. I remember he was very friendly. I remember thinking “what a great couple”. Both cheerful and welcoming. He did not catch my eye in any way, no one did. He was just another guy at the party. He never became more than just another guy in the lab. That is at least for one year…

I often laugh at myself when I think about all of this. It is funny how I did not read into his behavior those days. How could have I been so blind? I would come in, do my work, make a small talk with everyone whenever they stopped by, and go home happy and satisfied. Those were the days! Simple days! Though, would I want them back? Probably not. Anyway. He used to come in at least once a week for meetings and he would tease me about small things or compliment my office outfits. I never thought twice about it. I saw him as this nerdy engineer guy who has a goofy sense of humor. Even physically he was not my type. He was around six feet tall, balding with a gray hair, large facial features, medium built. Nothing stuck out in his appearance, nothing unpleasant but nothing that ever caught my attention. He would wear torn shorts, rubber sandals, beat up t-shirts, and old greasy baseball hats. I could tell that he was a very outgoing and friendly person, and it seemed that everyone in the lab liked him. A few months into my employment I found out about the accident he had a few years earlier. It left him without right eye. That explained why sometimes he looked a little odd, like his eyes were crooked. I kind of felt bad for him and at the same time admired him for continuing working in the lab. This was the extent of my thoughts about him. Oh, and also I thought that he and his girlfriend had a perfect relationship and were waiting to get married in a year or so, as she was finishing her school in another city.

One day, a little over two years ago, after working together for a year we were walking out to our cars when a conversation started. We talked about life in general, exchanged a few background stories, and then… it happened! I remember opening up my eyes and seeing him for the first time. My life has never been the same since that moment. I remember the way we were standing, I remember the way he was looking at me, the way sun was shining on that beautiful June afternoon. I liked him. I also saw that he liked me. I also knew he was in the relationship with his girlfriend. The next day I had my birthday party. He came with another co-worker. It was a great party, all of my friends were there. My friends liked him. He stayed until the very end. I tried not to think much about him. Then, two days later, he called me to ask me how I was because I missed work. I actually felt pretty lousy, my migraine put me to bed for a couple of days. Honestly, my initial reaction was shock. I was surprised he called me. I thought it was inappropriate and bold of him. I was also flattered and touched…

From then on my work life became saturated with the excitement of small daily visits with him, frequent email correspondence, intoxicating flirting, and feeling of being the most special girl in the world! My eyes were wide open and I could not close them from then on. I saw him and I could not get enough of seeing him. His face, once so unremarkable, became the symbol of masculine beauty. Perfect facial structure, noticeable but not large nose, well-defined jaw line, bluish-grayish eyes maybe even with a hint of hazel, rich eyebrows, and well pronounced forehead. His lips…oh my! The lips of a devil! One smirk and you are dead, one smile and you are in heaven. His bottom lip was large and curved slightly above his chin creating the most adorable and sexy spot on his face, I often liked to run my hands across his face memorizing every little detail. That spot under his lip was my favorite. His body, the body of a Greek god, so manly, yet so smooth, drove me crazy with its ideal proportions and devilish sex appeal. Every inch of his body was incredibly soft. His skin was smooth and silky, and even his hair was very soft. Whenever I touched his body I felt that I had my hands on the richest treasures of the world. It felt addictive to touch him and he also liked being touched. What can be a better combination? Often, after we made love I would scratch his back. One of the little pleasures in life I never thought I’d have and now I miss so much… His smell! It followed him around surrounding his presence with even greater charisma. His gestures, his body movements, his voice, his smile –all were directed at me whenever I was around. I felt drugged, I felt hypnotized, I felt insanely in love!

Love. A gift from God or the cruelest joke ever played on humans? Ever since I can remember myself I’ve been susceptible to this illusionary creature. It shaped my world and life perspective. For me, life without love is worse than not living. I feed myself with love. It makes me strong, it makes me want to achieve things, it gives a meaning to my being. To love is to live. And so I do, and so I pay price for it. That is why he is so dear to me, because before him I was not living, I have not felt love in many years and I most certainly never felt this kind of love.

I’ve loved before. Each time it started the same. I would meet a guy and I would like him right away. Initially I would only see his positive side and later the negatives would creep up and ruin my “perfect picture” of him. This time was different. This guy was different. He did not conquer me with his perfection, just the opposite. It is the fact that he did not hide his flaws made him so perfect!

III

Today I am still feeling uneasy. I have been submerged into this awful state of being for the last who knows! Maybe for the last year at least. But lately it truly has become unbearable, for both of us. I wish so much to break this pattern of behavior but I cannot seem to find a way. I’ve tried multiple ways of reaching some kind of peace within myself, though so far I was not able to succeed. I have tried to end our relationship so many times, it’s not even funny anymore! I feel angry, I feel rejected, I feel lied to, I feel…I feel plain miserable all the time! Sometimes I wonder is it really worth it? So I have this feeling. Call it an instinct, call it a “gut feeling”, call it a message from the “above”. But this feeling is there. It never leaves me. I feel that we met for a reason. I feel that “we are meant to be”. Sounds pretty stupid and naive, doesn’t it? Yet I’ve rarely been wrong when followed my instinct.

I remember when it all first started. It was intoxicating! He chased me around like I was the only woman on Earth. He used every chance to show me his attraction, his arousal. I used every chance to show him the same. Plus admiration! Oh God, did I admire him! Very quickly he became the smartest man I’ve ever met. In my eyes there was nothing he could not do or fix. Although, the reality proved the same. Any time I needed help with something — he was there, ready to solve any of my problems. I was amazed how intelligent he was! I loved watching him fix things or trying to figure out how to fix them, if he did not know right away. He was my hero! I’ve always dreamed of having a man who was capable of anything. “Anything” is a bit of a stretch here, but you get the point. And so he did. He fixed my computer, office equipment, my garage door, my watch, solved my puzzle box, and… found a key to my mind and body. I could not get enough of listening to him. He had a very unique way of telling stories. He would tell me various things, anything from his childhood to what he ate for dinner last night. His story-telling was always slow, detailed, some might even consider it dull. But I loved it! He was a little of a bragger whenever he would tell things about himself, but I did not mind that at all. I wanted to hear all about his talents and was always ready to praise him.

My admiration extended beyond his intellectual abilities. When it came to the physical side of our relationship — he had no comparison. For many years I have been greatly dissatisfied with my sexual life. I am a highly passionate person, who has been forced to bottle up all my desires. When we began developing our relationship I thought I was going to explode from the kind of sexual charge I was receiving from him! Sensuality beamed from him all the time. It was enough for me to glance at him or feel him standing near me and I was at his complete mercy. I recall the first time he touched me. He invited me out for lunch, but instead he suggested to grab a pizza and go to his place. I was terrified. At that time I was mortified of him. I wanted him so bad and I was afraid of him just as much! He seemed to mysterious to me, almost dangerous. Anyhow, I refused to go in, so we sat in his driveway and ate pizza in the car. It was ridiculous, but neither of us minded that. He looked at me and he said something along the lines of “me looking close to a perfection of a woman”. I had a low-cut flirty golden color knit top and a white flowing skirt on. He moved his hand closer to me and slowly began touching my leg. Electricity ran through my entire body. I held my breath and stayed still. His hand was moving higher, slowly gliding over my thigh under my skirt. When his fingers finally reached the area between my legs I gasped for air, as a soft moan escaped my lips. He reached over and slowly kissed me. It felt like I was going to die, or already died and it was only my soul that was still present, as I did not feel my body any longer. I felt nothing but a pure ecstasy! That was my introduction to the “drug”, which now cripples my body in a constant desire of it. I want him day and night. I want his body but I also want his soul. Those two are inseparable complements of one to another. His psychological power over me is only stronger knowing what he can do to me physically. And vice versa. When I am in his arms my body weakens from the feeling of a complete, oh I don’t know what to call it: pride or flatter, or a sense of victory? I feel on top of the world that this man wants me and here he is — making love to ME! It is the best feeling ever! I just realized what it is I felt – a complete satisfaction.

Today I am sad. This sadness and despair are my constant companions now days. My mind refuses to understand what is happening. Everything is tremendously simple to me, yet so complex to him, and so we struggle. I view the whole situation like this: either he loves her or me. If he loves her – then he needs to be honest with me and let me go. If he loves me – then he needs to be brave and give us a chance. He says he loves both of us, each with a different love. I understand that and willing to accept it. What I am not willing to accept is the fact that he wants to have us both. It is not possible! I am not the type of a person who can be content with just being “another woman”. I cannot simply enjoy our relationship as an affair. I understand that is what we have now. But I want to change it. I am tired. It is against my moral beliefs. I know I am wrong for what I am doing now. After all I am the one who is married. I should be the last person to talk about ethics. But here I am begging this man to either end this wrongful relationship once and for all or transform it into the right one. The one where we won’t have to hide any longer, the one where he proudly will stand by my side and call me his woman. I never hid it from him. I want commitment. I want to marry him. I want to have a family with him. I already have a child and a family, yet I am ready to give it all up just to be with him! My mother left me when I was only 5 years old. She found herself a man and decided to create a family with him, I was an obstacle, which she left behind. My grandmother raised me. For many years I hated my mother for doing it to me. I could not believe how selfish she was. Now I look back and I am grateful to her. She spared me from living with a stranger, she saved me from becoming a scape goat. And here I am, twenty something years later, ready to do the same to my daughter. It is terrible when I think of it – betraying my family for him…But I know it would all be worth it, I just know it!

I was revisiting our old chats and emails last night. I began keeping them since last March. Often I use them as a sanity check. Whenever I particularly feel full of doubts I read our conversations. Though, I am afraid I am not doing myself a big favor by reading it over and over again. Instead of being objective and seeing things as they really are (or are they?) I tend to ignore all the negatives and concentrate on all the positive things he ever said to me. For example, I will disregard emails about his “happy” moments with her and focus on those emails where he complains about her. I know he loves her, it is clear as day. However, I am not sure how much of it is a real love and how much of it is a comfort of being with the same person for many years? I feel this kind of love for my husband. We hardly ever argue over anything anymore. We know each other’s habits and needs. We get along. I love him for being there for me and for taking good care of me all these years. I love my husband like I love my family – with warm and comfortable love. But him I love in a completely different way! My love for him is crazy, overwhelming, uplifting, exhilarating, obsessive, burning with desire, and never less! I can’t stop loving him even for a minute. It is such a strong feeling! I’ve never felt this way before. It’s like I am on this roller coaster, going up and down so fast that I don’t even have a chance to catch my breath. It makes me exhausted, it keeps me from functioning normally otherwise, it makes me want to jump off and end this ride! Yet, at the same time…I want it to never end. I love the feeling of being alive, feeling the thrill of meeting with him, feeling the bittersweet agony when being apart from him. When I am away from him I hit the most bottom of my existence. I cannot call it a life, at that point I simply hibernate until I get revived again the moment I see him. Even the mere anticipation of meeting with him gives me a tremendous high and energy surge. I feel that I can cross the deepest oceans, climb the tallest mountains, I feel that I am unstoppable! My love makes me strong, it gives me hope for tomorrow.

It has been three days since we’ve spoken last time. I don’t know what happened once again. Last week we met once and only because I emailed him nasty email again. As usual, instead of getting really upset with me and telling me to go and fuck myself (pardon my French), he called me. I could barely control my frustration with him. I just simply don’t understand how, if what he says is true and he really loves me, can he not see me for several days? I want to see him all the time and his indifference is killing me! So, anyway, he called me and said that he wanted to invite me over but now that I am angry he decided not to. Great! Like that supposed to make me feel all happy? As a result I got even more upset but managed to change my tone of voice and invite him over to my place. He came over that afternoon between the work and his racquetball. And that is another source of my never-ending confusion and frustration. He never could spend longer than an hour or two with me. No matter what I did and how I begged he always limited our time to a very strict schedule. Was I being delusional and naive? Did it simply mean that he did not want to spend much time with me? Because in my mind I am still trying to come up with some more of a favorable for me explanation. Anyway, this time we got as intimate as nature allowed me, which of course did not prevent me from pleasing him. By the way, I absolutely love and adore doing it! I often wonder how does she make him feel in bed? From what I hear from him she is not that into sex. How can such a highly sexual man settle for someone who is completely asexual? It is so absurd!

After we made love he held me tight in his arms and that is where I find my peace. His manly, yet gentle embrace is the true location of heaven. No need to wait until the afterlife. It is here in my hometown, just a few streets away from my house. The man who is a part man and part God posses a supernatural power of providing heaven on Earth. He softly whispered “I love you, D” while caressing my body and I choked on my tears that I never showed that time. I lay there afraid to move or to stop moving my hand, which gently glided over his neck down his shoulder and across his arm. I heard his breathing change becoming deeper and his body began twitching. I love feeling his body twitch and jerk like that! The first time I felt it was in the airport hotel where we spent our first night together. We were on our way to a company trip and we had five days ahead of us without our significant others! I was as happy as I could be! I remember trying to fall asleep and feeling him twitch. He was like a big baby: somewhat snoring, moaning, jerking, and drooling all over my face. His strong arms squeezed me leaving me unable to move and his hands held mine so tight they began tingle after while. He held me from behind with his face directly above mine. He was sobbing in his sleep into my ear breathing loudly and his drool was soaking my cheek and my neck. I was so uncomfortable I could not sleep most of the night! But! But I dream about that night ever since! We never experienced this level of intimacy until then. You have to trust the other person so much to fall asleep with him or her. You have to lose yourself in being true self and let down the guard, which watches your every move. We had that. And now he did it again. He fell asleep for a few minutes and I just lay there in his arms thanking God for giving me that moment! I wanted him to sleep as long as he could. I was dreading to see him wake up, get scared, and rush out. Of course he did. My heart sank as he said he had to go. My heart felt like that every time he had to go. Can you blame me for it? Can you blame my heart for feeling broken every time the man I love walks away from me back to his “real” life?

Our last close encounter was last Tuesday, a week ago. By Friday I have not seen him and have not heard from him. My frustration was growing again. Then he stopped by the office and casually made a small talk with me about my weekend plans and such. It kills me every time I have to listen to his cheerful carefree description of what fun activities he will be doing with her during a weekend. I feel like covering my ears and running away. I feel like shouting at him to shut up! It is like feeling a knife go into my heart, in and out. It is so painful hearing that he lives this perfect happy life and knowing that I am not a part of it… And so I listen to him and I smile politely and I look away, as I don’t want to start crying. He notices my dissatisfaction but he does not sympathies with it. No. Instead he judges me for it. He gets frustrated with me for not being genuinely happy for him. How can I be? Isn’t it an oxymoron: “happy-for-your-happy-life-without-me-even-though-I-love-you-to-death”? So, he got upset with me and threw his cheap excuse:”Well I am going to go, you are not looking at me anyway”. How can he say that? As if I were to be looking at him, gazing into his eyes, he would stay? Of course not. He did his deed, he stopped by to say “hello” to tell me about his weekend plans and ask me about mine and now it was time to go. Who cares that I’ve been waiting to see him all week, who cares that I am heartbroken and don’t know how to live even through the weekend? He certainly did not care…So I texted him right after that. I said something like : “I can’t take this any longer. Please go on, be happy and please don’t make me watch it”. And that was that. I have not heard from him again. It has been three days and I am holding up. I have not emailed him, I have not called or texted him.

I am not well. I am not relieved that it is over. I am lost and miserable. I am so sad! If I could cry right now I would drown myself in the tears I’d shed. But I have not been able to cry. My heart feels crushed by an enormous vise. I am unable to see colors around me or smell or taste things. I am unable to find fun things to do. Everything is bland. The whole world seems pathetic. What is the point of trying to do anything, achieve anything if in the end I don’t have that special person to share the world with? I am all alone in this life. I emotionally abandoned my family, my friends, I have no interest in work or school. I move around like a zombie. All I want to do is fall asleep and never wake up. At least in my dreams I see him once in a while. His face faintly shows in my dreams, never close, never with me. Always near, always in my awareness. Always in my heart.

************

I wish I could meet a wise man. The wisest one in the world, please. I would ask him one question: what should I do about us? I would keep my fingers crossed and I would hope that the wisest man would have a different answer than the one he has been giving me for the last two years: “I don’t know”…

A quote I once came across said: “Friendship often ends in love, but love in friendship – never”. It is true. No matter how much I was afraid of losing him, no matter how much I want to be in his life in any role, no matter how much I enjoyed him as a friend, I could never reduce my feelings and settle for a cheap substitute of my love. He blames me for being “all or nothing” kind of woman, but I think he really would not like me if I was not that way. It is the fact that I can be so dead set on something, that I can want something with all of my being, attracts him to me. It was not a contest of who is stronger or more clever. There are no winners, we both lost. I still don’t have any answers to any of my questions. He still holds all the lucky cards… Once he said to me: “There must be either no God or a pretty absent one, or I guess a pretty sadistic one”. I wonder if I can believe in God anymore. I wonder if I will be able to believe in anyone or anything anymore. I wonder if I can ever be myself again… The scariest thing of all is that I still believe we meant to be together and that I should not let myself stop loving him. I don’t want to lose this fire! I will keep on burning in hope that some day when he will find himself in the dark he will see my fire and come to me, seeking my love once and for all.

June 29, 2009.

Once I Was His Little D

End of the week, end of hope

Day 1

If There is a God – He Must be Sadistic One

It’s Time!